Aug 24 15 8:42 AM

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(Copyright 2005, GAR Enterprises International.)

(All rights reserved. Celebrities are used without their consent and not for any intended profits. All Capper handles belong to the individual Cappers. No Celebrities or Cappers were harmed in the making of this episode, at least not in a bad way.)

The past few months had not been very eventful. The last batch of wings SideMan made on election night were ruined when he tripped on a bucket Scruffy carelessly left in the middle of the hall. And two days after the election, while Glitter was writing his inaugural address, it was revealed that his remarkable landslide had only been accomplished thanks to Dr Doom tampering with the computers, giving Glitter the win as thanks for introducing Doom to Mena Suvari. A hand recount revealed Glitter didn't carry a single state, or even a city outside of the Capper Quint Cities. The only thing he still had going his way was Eliza Dushku, and their unborn child.

Eliza was at the WB Sisterhood House, in a meeting of the members of said sisterhood. Thanks to a revolving chairwoman system, this meeting was Eliza's to be in charge of. The topic tonight was new members. As usual, Charisma and Amy Jo were debating. "Why cant Jennifer Garner be a member?" argued Amy Jo, "She was on more than one episode of Felicity." "True," agreed Charisma, "But she was only on three total episodes. I think to qualify, you have to appear at least five times. After all, if being a regular member of a cast was a requirement, Eliza wouldn't be here." "What about the Charmed girls?" asks Jessica Biel. "Who's their Capper or Cappers?" asks Eliza. "We're still narrowing it down," replies Jessica, "But we know DaUpstart has at least one of them." "Adding three new members would create a possibility for more tied votes," says Allison Mack, "But a fourth new member would keep us with an odd number of members." "And who would that fourth be?" asks Eliza. Allison smiles, and says, "My on-screen cousin, Erica Durance. I know for a fact a certain Capper really digs her." Amy Jo nods in agreement.

Before a vote on any new members can be taken, Eliza's water breaks. "Call Glitter." She says, between contractions. Charisma nods, and says, "I think Gray's at the Dome for Poker Night. I'll call him." Charisma grabs her cell phone, and dials Gray Zombie. "Gray baby," she says as he answers, "You're at the GlitterDome tonight, right? Good. Tell Glitter Eliza's water just broke. No, not her bottle of Evian. Amy Jo's calling DoktorD and NurseNoir. We'll take her to the hospital. No, this is no time to talk about your beef and my taco." Charisma adds in a whisper, "Maybe later."

Twenty minutes later, Cappers and Crushes alike have gathered at Anywhere General Hospital. Jason is threatening a soda machine with his machete. "What's wrong, J?" Gray asks. "Machine take Jason's dollar and not give Jason Coke, Foster Papa Gray," replies Jason. Gray shakes his head, and says, "This wouldn't happen if Good Food made soda." "Go easy on him, Gray," says Coakley, "After all, he just wanted a REFRESHING COCA-COLA." "You've been capping American Idol too much, lover," says Estella Warren, causing Coakley to faint with a Thud. PrezGAR enters, and sees Coakley lying on the floor. "You've got to stop making him faint, Estella," he says. "What kept you?" asks Gray, to which the gold helmeted capper replies, "New incarnation of Power Rangers started today. Had to check out the fresh meat." Amy Jo translates, "Meaning he's ready to add another Crush to his Ranger Roster." 

As time goes on, SideMan keeps peeking into the delivery room, hoping to get some news to pass on. Several Cappers hook up their laptops, so they can cap while they wait. "Scruffy must have loaded the caps for the Screengrab Spongemonkey in this gallery," laugh Gray, "there's five of the same image." "And I cant think of any good caps for it," says Diva, who smiles as the hospital's PA system plays Hugh Jackman singing "I Go To Rio". "I could sing if you wanted me to," says Alan Rickman. "Leave the singing to Hugh and Viggo for now," Diva tells him. "What'sh taking thish bloody baby sho long?" asks Sean Connery, "Why, my shon, Jashon, wash born much shooner." Tinaw calms Sean down by running her fingers through his chest hair.

Finally, after nearly an hour, Glitter comes out of the delivery room, a huge smile on his face. "Well, boss?" asks Gray. "It's a dude," says Glitter. "Foster Aunt Tru have ranch?" asks Jason. "No, sweety," says Charisma, "Foster Aunt Eliza had a boy." "Whatever," replies Jason. SideMan hands Glitter a platter of hot wings. "Hand these out, boss," he says. "I thought the new father was supposed to hand out cigars," Glitter asks. SideMan responds by pointing to a No Smoking sign. "So," adds DaUpstart, "You gonna hook him up with Sarah the DiscoBaby or Nikki CyberServo?" "He's five minutes old", says Glitter, "I'll wait until he's three before I make that decision." The Cappers and their Crushes laugh. 

Crush Therapy - The Solution to Any Capper's Problems